Today is May 5, 2017. I spent the morning sifting through my old things getting prepared to move…again. I came across a letter that I wrote to a friend long ago. Actually, I wrote it on September 5, 2001. No one knew what was to come just a week later. Yah (God) opened my eyes to a greater purpose before the attacks so that I wouldn’t shrink back and cower in fear.
Two years ago, when Yah placed it in my heart to write my book, I questioned His decision. I mean let’s face it, I’m not the most interesting person in the world or talented writer. Neither, do have a large following. But, I pressed forward and began the journey of my life..literally. I don’t think people understand the difficulty in writing a biography. Not only is your memory tested but family and friends challenge you as well. However, the greatest hardship you will face is reliving all the painful memories that you buried deep into your subconscious. I couldn’t believe the events my mind dug up. I grieved non-stop for two years, until the very last chapter.
On April 28, 2017, I published my book By Your Side. I should be celebrating the biggest milestone of my life, thus far. Instead, yesterday, I ran out of the house in a complete meltdown–screaming and crying like a blithering fool, in frustration. Unfortunately, I’m living in a place–my own father’s house–where I’m being harassed, lied upon, and mistreated by his wife. When people can’t control and manipulate you, they manipulate how others see you. All I wanted was a temporary resting place, until I made my next transition.
I jumped in my Jeep and drove like a maniac around Los Angeles shouting my anger at Yah. I screamed until my throat was raw. In a dark parking lot, in Culver City, I unleashed 38 years of pain and sorrow. My body quivered and voice trembled in disgust at my circumstances. I felt as though my entire life, especially, the last two years were in absolute vain. Thoughts of my cousin Kesha wrenched my soul. The hopelessness, anger, grief, and loneliness she felt before pulling that trigger. She must’ve felt completely forsaken by everyone, including Yah. That’s the way I felt. I knew if I didn’t pull it together, I’d go off the deep-end. I wiped my tears and drove over to the Rite Aid. When I got out of the car, my body felt like it was encased in cement. I walked like a mummy up and down the aisles. Eventually, my body got lighter. The yoke was breaking.
Driving home, I determined that I had complete control over my situation. I can walk away, even with nowhere to go. I vowed to never let myself get in this position again. Although, this was Yah’s doing, not my own. It’s ALL in the book. I never wanted to go all of the places He sent me in the last three years. I am a self-sufficient person, capable of taking care of myself and many others. He had work for me to do in each and every place. I did it. I’m done. It’s my time.
I got back home and packed up my belongings. Packing liberated my soul. I still felt unsure, but knew it was going to be alright.
Sobbing ensures one thing: the best night sleep EVER. EVER. I awoke super-humanly strong. I finished packing and decided to obliterate every remnant of my past. Folded-up, inside one of my old journals was a letter that confirmed everything. Please bear with me as I journey from past into my destiny.
“What’s up Yani! How’s it going? It’s really nice to be able to have a friend who will listen and not think you’re totally crazy. I have friends here, that I’ve known seven years and don’t seem like friends at all. I’ve known you seven months and feel much closer even though you’re much further away. That’s okay though, I’m not complaining. It’s just funny how people always seem to get an eye full of things or people they don’t need to see.
I’m writing because I wanted to tell you something I always knew but ignored. It doesn’t matter how many degrees a person gets or how much a person makes on a job. If they aren’t happy, none of it really matters. I feel like we’re all born to exist and were sent here for a reason. We need to start praying and ask God what his purpose is for us.
I think many people want to but are afraid because they think it’s gonna be a preacher or other church leader. Those positions aren’t exciting and full of responsibility. Take me for example, I knew what God wanted me to do a long time ago, but I ran away from it for the same reason I just explained.
He made me realize that His work is not limited to one person or one place. God speaks to me and has been with my whole life. It’s too bad we can’t escape the evils of the world, or I could’ve heard His voice long ago. All this time I’ve spent on earth, I was being impregnated with so much fear, hate, ignorance, anger, and resentment.
When God spoke to me this time is when my water broke. I’m getting ready to give birth to creativity, truth, knowledge, love, peace, and understanding. I feel as though God planted in me a seed. But, all that has been growing is weeds from the negativity that I was being nourished with. God revealed during all my trials that He was slowly picking me apart. Discarding every unwanted plant and refining me so an emergence could take place. My grandmother told me years ago that God came to her in a dream and said that He chose Me to act out a special plan He had. Honestly, I didn’t want to hear it because I wanted what I was going through to be over. Most of all, I wanted answers. Now, I realize that I AM the answer. Not the answer to ALL because that will be revealed in time. I will be one of the solutions to freeing God’s people from this earthly bondage. God’s people should be further than what we are. We can win this war, if we stop giving in to pettiness. Pettiness is where it all begins. The start of anything evil such as anger, divorce, ignorance, death. Think about it, if you can get people angry over something trivial, the worst will always happen. That’s when people say ‘if only.’ Well, ‘if only’ is too late. It’s time to focus on what counts. “
The letter drew me to tears. I can’t even remember my grandmother’s vision. Yah let me know the purpose hasn’t changed. The war has just begun. I have to learn to be bigger than my situation and the people in it. I have a purpose. I’m not just anybody. Yah will contend with my enemies, if I just hold on. He will do the same for you.
Live. Bless. Prosper.