I almost missed Mother’s Day again this year. The past few years, I’ve been M.I.A from nearly all family celebrations and events. Not that I wasn’t invited, but the wrong person received the invitation. See, last year, I stood on the precipice of self-destruction. No one wants to destroy themselves, even those persons struggling with addiction. But, sometimes self-destruction is necessary in the reconstruction of your life. I documented my crisis in my biography By Your Side: That Time I Broke Up With God, so I won’t go into depth about the subject.
For 37 years, I couldn’t understand why people rejected me–including family. I found myself in a game of tug-o-war for the love, respect, and trust of others. The more I pushed for admiration, the more they dismissed my effort. Until finally, I let go and allowed myself to descend from grace. I gave up looking for myself in other people. A person worthy of respect and love won’t have to fight for it. I didn’t know my value or purpose and that’s the way people treated me. When I began to change, those people refused to deal with me and likewise. I stayed away from everyone until I was ready to present the person I’ve grown to be.
This year, my sister’s 40th birthday fell on Mother’s Day. I proudly announced that I’d be joining everyone for the celebration.
If this were a year ago, the old me would’ve shown up wallowing in anger and pride over past issues. Whoever I was during our family fallout, has left the building. I believe it’s human error to think we need an apology to move on from hurt. My new self canceled any past transgressions associated with the old me. My new self doesn’t need an apology for old things. I’ve moved on. Feeling like you must have an apology from someone that hurt you, say’s their perception of you is greater than your self-worth. Don’t worry about people accepting the new you. If people want to continue engaging in old battles, let them. Just know, it’s not you, it’s them that need to change.