How to Beat the Crap Game…

It’s not what you think. Alright, maybe it is.

Recently, my stomach churned with a bad case of gas. That’s a sure sign of an impending number two. Only, I hadn’t any urges to go besides a few forced attempts. I gave my belly a slap “what’s going on in there.” I snapped? I just wanted to poop and go to bed. Instead, I lay awake, vowing to kill the next person that went to the bathroom.

Have you ever been constipated? Your mind goes places. Becoming completely enthralled with other people’s bathroom experiences. It’s definitely a stinky load if the person brings their phone. Or, if you hear rummaging in the cabinets, their looking for reading material on the back of the shampoo bottle to relax. Longer than ten minutes, you better run for cover. Uh huh, I’ve been around.

But excitement soon turns into rage as you watch someone gobble-up every morsel on their plate. And the fun doesn’t stop there. The real thriller is being full and hungry at the same time. Turning down a dinner invitation knowing you’ll probably die with the next bite you take.  It’s all one sick, twisted game of Would You Rather…spontaneously combust or eat free pancakes?

Two weeks ago, I switched up my workouts and implemented strength training. Determined to get a six pack before I’m 40, I did as many ab variations as my body would allow. Over the next few days, I ignored the pain thinking a certain level of soreness was a good thing. I noticed my bowel movements become less and less. It worried me because I eat one, maybe two fiber enriched meals a day like salad, vegetables, or ramen with vegetables. I’m plant-based, so pretty much everything I eat is loaded with vegetables and fruit. I only drink water except the occasional family dinner out. Irregularity shouldn’t be a concern unless it’s a precursor to a major health issue.

Something wasn’t right. Before going to bed one night, I ate a large salad. Nothing. Next day, I went to my sister’s—ate four snack bags of chips, a cookie, and chile picante corn nuts. Later, we celebrated Mom’s birthday at Olive Garden. I ate three bowls of salad, two breadsticks, a third plate of pasta and drank a Kiwi-melon Limonata. Nothing. I went home, completed a 30 minute HIIT workout and drank a bottle of water. Nothing. What in the Sheol is going on, I thought? I immediately sought my unlicensed physician—Google–for answers.

Some causes of constipation include:

  • Not being active
  • Stress – maybe
  • Eating disorder
  • Not enough water or fiber
  • Underactive thyroid – maybe
  • Pregnancy – Definite
  • Overuse of laxatives –
  • Changes in usual diet or activities
  • Medications or anti-depressants –
  • Problems with digestive system-
  • Hemorrhoids –
  • Colon Cancer – Oh God – ?

Once upon a time, several of these may have been factors, but not since I’ve chosen a healthier lifestyle. During my extensive—late-night—online research, I discovered that abdominal adhesions—bands of fibrous scar tissue that form over the intestines and connects to internal organs—can lead to partial or complete obstruction of the small or large intestines. Usually, this is a result of abdominal surgery, hernia, malignant tumors, Crohn’s, or trapped gallstones. Women who suffer with endometriosis can also develop adhesions. I began to worry that my fibroids may be causing the problem. Maybe I had a partial blockage? I mean, the only real symptom I had was constipation. Sigh. A doctor would be nice right about now.

I watch a Youtuber that has a friend, with a cousin, who had a really bad sinus infection. The entire left side of her face swelled. Concerned, she went to the doctor to have it checked. Turns out, she had a brain tumor and needed emergency surgery. The moral: If God blessed you with insurance, USE IT!

Since Donald Trump has decided to further F-up America’s healthcare, going to the doctor wasn’t an option. Laxatives were also not an alternative. I didn’t like the idea of facing possible dehydration. Plus, I read a blog where a lady was having my exact experience. She took more laxatives than recommended, and got worse. I needed to find an alternative to remove the blockage from my small intestine that Webmd suggested I might have.

I searched for natural ways to cure constipation and came across self-administered colonic massage. I usually don’t tell people this, but I’m a certified massage therapist. Massaging your stomach can help move the stool along inside your colon.

I watched a six minute video on how to perform the massage; it was really simple. You lay down with your knees raised. Start on the right side of the abdomen pressing firmly using a raking motion with your fingers, moving up just under the rib cage to the other side. Keep going in a circular motion. Here’s a Youtube video which explains it better.

I performed the massage for about 10 minutes. I waited for something to happen but ended up falling asleep. In the morning, I drank a bottle of water like my grandmother instructed upon rising, years ago, to flush out the toxins.

Finally, some relief! The massage worked like a charm. Thankfully, it was nothing serious. My body was simply adjusting to my new workout regimen. You don’t always have to run to the doctor or pop pills at the first sign of trouble. But always seek medical attention if problems or pain persists or become unbearable.

Live. Bless. Prosper.

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